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WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO BE A GREAT COACH?

DEPTH. . .

You can fake a lot of things as a coach. You can fake knowledge, certainty, skill, and confidence. But depth is hard to fake.

You can ask deep questions and talk real slow like, but when people are with you they feel something.

They feel the depth of your breath,
they feel the depth of your patience,
they feel the depth of your body and heart.

Your marketing can distract them, your pressure to sign up RIGHT NOW can push them over the edge, but somewhere in the back of their being they’ll be missing your depth.

When I sit with a coach, a brilliant one, who does the work, who is the work, I feel them.

It’s like sitting in a deep ancient cave. It’s confronting, it’s alluring, it’s transformative.

Like my friend and teacher John Wineland says “Fuck hacking, go deep.”

As a coach fuck hacking, fuck faking, fuck pretending and being all bright and shiny with nothing beneath the surface.
Being deep and going deep is worth it.

It may or may not make your life easier or you rich overnight, but it will change lives in ways you can never imagine.

And that’s why you became a coach to begin with, right?

Love,
Toku

Coaches Are Selfish

Asking for money is selfish, so is reaching out to someone with an agenda, in fact, most of what you need to do as a coach to be successful is selfish. 

It isn’t true or at least it’s not the whole truth, but that won’t stop you from thinking it’s true. Even if you think far back in the part of your mind where you hide the thoughts that ‘keep you from manifesting what you want.’

THE TRUTH IS you’re better off admitting that you worry about being selfish as a coach, that you feel a bit guilty asking for money, and that you somehow think that generosity is the key to success

AND also sort of resent how generous you ‘have to be’ in order to be ‘successful.’ A resentment largely built on the obligation to be generous in order to be ‘good.’

Seem like a lot?

It is. 

All of this mental chatter arises because of the bind you find yourself in as a coach. Specifically the bind between being Selfish and Generous. A bind which if you can learn to see, can have you be more powerful, successful, and actually more generous than you were before.

So let’s see if we can see it together.

 

Bind 2 – Selfish VS Generous

THE WAY WE THINK OF SELFISHNESS

At some point along your journey, you learned to wrap your desires in innocence. 

It was ok to want to talk to someone . . . if you had no agenda. It was ok to ask someone out . . . if you already knew they liked you. It was ok to ask for money . . . if you were certain you could provide a result. 

 

Your desire came with conditions that made them, ok, good, or acceptable. 

When these conditions were met they achieved the level of generosity or selflessness. You were trustable, kind, thoughtful, and loving. Sometimes you called this authentic instead. 

When these conditions weren’t met you were greedy, needy, and selfish. Sometimes you called this inauthentic or manipulative. 

Once you had these rules you tried to live by them. 

You tried to be a good person and avoid the ‘bad people’. You judged anyone who broke your rules as being selfish. You did this while you watched them make more money, date people you wanted to date, and become more successful than you. 

You did this while being certain that their success was somehow empty or karmically bad and that it was better to be poor, tired, worn out, and secretly resentful so long as you got to be ‘innocent’ ‘generous’ and superior to those other people. 

 

THE TRICK

Here’s the trick, you try to be good for the same selfish reasons that other people try to be successful. 

No one is perfectly un-self-interested. Or at least not very many people. 

 – You do actually have an agenda when you reach out to someone you’d like to coach. 

 – You do actually benefit when someone hires you as a coach. 

 – You do actually feel good about yourself when you make more money than other people around you. 

 

You like to win, even if the way you imagine winning is by winning the ‘right’ way and not the ‘wrong’ way. But all too often you use the rightness of how to win as an excuse for why you’re not winning at all. 

 

THE BIND

You see that’s the bind you’re in. The things you need to do in order to change people’s lives, to run a successful coaching business, to do ‘the work’ you worship like some sort of ancient god, requires you to be a bit selfish. 

Or maybe I should say it requires you to own the selfishness you actually have. 

 

Here’s the truth:

  • My clients pay my rent. 
  • When they pay me I get to buy stuff I like. 
  • If they pay me more I get to buy more stuff. 

 

Here’s more of the truth:

  • What my clients pay me DOESN’T go to their rent. 
  • They get to buy LESS stuff they like. 
  • If they pay me more, they get to buy EVEN LESS stuff they like. 

 

When someone hires you, in a way you win and they lose. 

Yes, yes I know your mind doesn’t like this. You probably have so trained yourself to avoid this fact and hide it from your clients that the mentioning of it feels deeply uncomfortable. 

Unless you’ve learned to wrap your desire in another form of innocence called justification. 

Which is where you’re so clear you benefit others that paying you is a privilege. 

Please, please get over yourself. 

 

MORE TRUTH:

  • You are not a charity. 
  • You are not a perfect solution. 
  • You are not the answer to anything. 
  • And paying you carries NO inherent significance or value. 

 

HOW IT WORKS

The truth is if this wasn’t true coaching wouldn’t work. 

If clients paid coaches with monopoly money or energetic units or something else without real value COACHING WOULDN’T WORK. If client’s give up some of the opportunity to buy stuff they like, paying you wouldn’t mean anything to them. 

As the great Steve Chandler says, Money is a stand-in for commitment. You can complain about it, whine about it, not like it, but in our world, in the time we live in, money is the most powerful unit of commitment we have. 

 

THE EXCHANGE

That’s the secret to this bind. You think that SELFISH and GENEROUS stand on two sides of a line. When in fact selfish and generous can either stand-alone or be cozied up with one another. 

You can be selfish in your generosity, putting forth no real opportunity to commit and doing it so you can feel ‘good’ about how generous you are. 

You can be purely selfish and think only of yourself, justifying that you ‘deserve’ what you’re getting. 

You can be purely generous, truly giving from your heart and expecting nothing in return.

And MOST importantly you can be generous in your selfishness. 

 

You can be clear that you get something out of giving something. 

You can own the dark side of giving, of coaching, of offering a space for transformation. 

You can free your clients and the receivers of your gifts from the obligation to make you feel ok about the benefit you’re receiving.  

 

THE ESCAPE

This is the escape to this bind. To OWN your selfishness. NOT by avoiding it and pretending it isn’t there. NOT by justifying it and deciding people paying you is a privilege you’re allowing them. But by acknowledging that having someone pay you for anything means you get something. 

If you own it, if it becomes your responsibility to be with the desire and impact of your inherent and unavoidable selfishness, then you can be free and even more so your clients can be free. 

 

Selling them coaching can be purely about what would serve them. 

You can sit in the place of really wanting to work with them, while choosing to be fully unattached to them hiring you. You can have clear sales goals and numbers you need to hit and then create the money you declare you’re out to create, in order to live the life you want to live, while magically and simultaneously showing up with tremendous generosity and compassion with every person you talk to. 

The pathway to purity is to get down in this human muck with the rest of us. 

 

Love, 

Toku

 

PS This is a part 2 of a 3 part series about the binds coaches find themselves in. 

You can read part 1 here – https://samuraicoachingdojo.com/compromising-too-much/

Part 3 will be about the bind of flow and structure. 

Thanks for reading this and thanks for being a coach. If you got something from this or you think I’m an idiot, shoot me an email/message or drop a comment below and let me know. 

The Fear Of Going Deep

One of the biggest fears coaches have – the fear of taking their clients deep. There’s this sense that deep down at the root of a client’s problems is fear, trauma, or pain so big you won’t know what to do. You’re afraid you’ll do damage. Afraid you’ll be clumsy. Afraid that you find yourself there and lacking and that it will rattle your coaching confidence to the very core. 

 

This fear leads to a host of problems:

  • You stay on the surface where it’s safe. 
  • You think of challenging questions, but you don’t ask them. 
  • You doubt yourself when you coach. 
  • You don’t create the space for your clients to feel all of their pain and fear. 
  • You never do the kind of deep work you see other great coaches do. 

 

So how do you address this? 

How do you know what to say? What to do? 

How do you prepare for something as a coach that’s unpredictable and a little scary? 

 

While I don’t have all the answers, let me share what I’ve learned so far. 


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You’re BAD At Hiring Coaches

Here’s what you want when you hire a coach:

  • You want to hire the best coach you can possibly hire. 
  • You don’t want them to cost TOO much
  • You want them to help you become more than you imagined. 
  • You want to be able to afford to work with them and be happy to refer them. 
  • It wouldn’t hurt
  • You want them to be inspiring

And yet, most coaches feel completely lost when it comes to finding a good coach to work with. They poke and prod, they guess around, they hire a celebrity (and are usually disappointed) they hire someone affordable (and you’re highly underwhelmed).

 

How do you avoid this? How do you hire a good coach you ‘afford’ that helps you get to where you want to go? 

 

It’s one of the most important and most challenging things you can do as a coach.

 

Let’s look at a few important ideas.

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7 Steps To Transform Your Life

It’s a new year, and many of us have been considering how we can become more of who we want to be this year. 

The best way to do this isn’t by making resolutions or only forming habits. The best way is by developing a deep understanding of who you are and declaring the life you want to create. The more you understand who you are and how you work and the more clear you are on what you’re up to in life, the more growth you’ll experience and the more satisfaction and possibility you’ll create for yourself and others. 

Of course, this is easy to talk about and hard to do. So in this guide, I’m going to break down how I look at change and some critical steps to discovering who you are and what you want to create in your life, as well as how you can get started. 

If you’d like some help with these BIG questions about life and growth, I invite you to do a Surrender Session with me all about what you want to create this year and in the years to come. I’ve already helped hundreds of people live lives of deeper meaning and satisfaction. And I’d love to help you too. 

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3 Questions To Ask This Year For Successful Professional Growth

Each year when we launch the dojo, I talk to dozens of coaches with one question on their mind:

 

What do I need to invest in and commit to growing professionally, become successful, and really make it as a coach? 

 

And each time I have that conversation, I can feel the pain and confusion in them as they try to choose. The amount of time most coaches spend trying to select the RIGHT program or coach is staggering because . . . Read more

Choosing To Be A Coach

You have to CHOOSE to be a coach.

Around this time of year, I begin to see posts by all my coaching friends about new year’s resolutions, strategic planning, and about creating the best possible year. I see new coaches starting social media challenges and seasoned coaches making bold declarations about acts of recommitment.

And yet for most coaches, this year will be much like the last:

– Sporadic attempts at enrollment
– Signing up for a new online course with high hopes then only watching half the videos
– Hiring a coach you think is excellent only to feel let down when you don’t get the results you want

There’s not a single reason why this happens to so many coaches, but there is one choice that I’ve seen make a big difference: The decision to be a coach.

Read more

The Truth About Powerful Coaching Questions And How To Master This Art

Almost every new or promising coach I know is obsessed with the idea of powerful coaching questions.

We have lists of questions, books of questions, written scribbles of questions we collected at conferences, so many questions we don’t know what to do with them and yet we still have doubts.

Let’s say you learn a list of 5 powerful coaching questions to ask, somehow when you get into the session with a client they don’t quite work how you remember them working. The client is evasive, doesn’t answer the question quite how you expected, answers the question but then you’re not sure what to ask next.

Somehow no matter how much you study and collect questions, it’s never enough.

Why is this? What’s going on here? And what can you do about it?Read more

The Coaching Adventure Game… WINNERS!!!

For the past 3 weeks, coaches have been playing an EPIC game we created called The Coaching Adventure Game. It had 100 challenges, in a variety of areas all designed to get into action, have fun, and grow your coaching business.

Anyone who played the game is a winner because they’d be growing their business. However, it is a competition with prizes, so here are the official winners of the 2019 Coaching Adventure Game! Read more

How To Ask Super Powerful Questions

Every time I ask a powerful question there are 5 factors I keep in mind:

1. What’s the context?
What’s happening, in the client’s life, inside my body, in the client body, and the conversation.

2. What’s the bind?
Where is the client trapped or stuck, usually by some sort of unresolvable dilemma, impossible choice, or conflicting commitment? Read more